Grief & Loss

Throughout the course of our lives, it is inevitable we will experience loss in some form, leading to a natural grieving process. The commonly held belief regarding grief is that it only occurs or makes sense in the face of a significant and traumatic experience, such as the death of a loved one. This couldn’t be further from the truth, as we can experience grief under a variety of circumstances—loss associated with life transitions, loss of independence associated with disability, loss of security due to theft, loss from a relationship ending, loss of an idol/role model due to disillusionment, loss associated with losing a cherished possession, etc.

Irrespective of the loss responsible for your grief, a number of stages are described to help normalize and increase your understanding of the process. These stages are more of a guide and not a comprehensive description of what you might experience--thus, they are not universal (you might not experience all of them in your own grief) and they are not sequential or linear (you can skip stages or move backwards at any point).

Swiss Psychologist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, developed the following model for understanding grief.

 Denial

This first stage helps us cope with and/or manage our experience by minimizing the potentially overwhelming pain caused by the loss. As a result of the loss, you may feel panicked, confused, shocked, fearful, or even happy, and it might be too much to feel all at once. As a result, we deny, or fail to accept our circumstances to pace or slow down our experience of grief.

Anger

It is common to feel anger and frustration in the event of a loss, because we are experiencing a number of intense and possibly confusing emotions, and our anger allows for emotional expression without vulnerability (releasing emotional energy in a big way that also feels safer). It is normal to feel alone and/or isolated as a result of loss, leading to questioning our circumstances in search of an explanation, and our anger toward someone or something keeps us connected and grounded to reality.

Bargaining

In coping with a loss, you may feel an intense desire to do anything to avoid the pain you are currently feeling and/or the pain you anticipate feeling. For this reason, this stage serves as a false sense of hope, as we negotiate and explore a number of “what if” scenarios that could have potentially prevented us from our current circumstances. This stage is also often associated with feelings of guilt, responsibility, and regret, as we imagine various ways we could have behaved or acted differently, prior to our loss, i.e., “If I’d just spent a little more time preparing for the exam, I would have passed.”

Depression

As we are dealing with loss and the associated grief, we begin to look at the reality of our present situation, we can no longer deny or bargain for different circumstances, and we eventually face what is happening. You may begin to feel overwhelmed and helpless in the face of your sadness, and can withdraw from others and the world around you.

*While this stage is called depression, it is not to be confused with a clinical diagnosis of major depressive disorder, as this stage viewed as a normal and natural response to loss.

Acceptance

The acceptance of this stage does not mean we do not feel pain associated with our loss, it means we are no longer resisting the reality of what has happened, and we may begin to feel as though we will be okay despite our loss.  The loss will still be painful and we will have to adjust to whatever changes may have taken place, but it feels possible to do so.

In comforting someone going through a grieving process, it might be helpful to avoid rescuing the person from their grief by distracting them from their emotions or pushing them to move forward/on. While intentions in these situations are often positive and aimed at helping, they can be invalidating of the person’s experience. Simply making yourself available by offering a space to speak and feel the emotions associated with the loss can be incredibly helpful.

Dr. Russell Floyd